He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
