Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
