Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
