no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
