Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
