Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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