so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
