I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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