What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
