we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
