fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
how does that bad decision feel?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
