I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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