It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
