Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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