I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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