We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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