Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
