If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
God, I missed his penis.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
