Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
