Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
