Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You are the jesus of drinking
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
