I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
