It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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