he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
