I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
