i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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