I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
