Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
