Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The power of my boobs compel you
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