This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
