oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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