Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
