I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
