just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
