I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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