That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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