I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
