Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
