before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
