The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
