both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
