New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
