Duck Duck Cougar?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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