he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
