I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
