I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
