Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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