he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
