how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My liver just broke up with me...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
