I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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