Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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