I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
