we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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