Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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