I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
